“I opened to my love, but my
love had turned and gone away. I was crushed that he had left. I sought him,
but did not find him. I called him, but he did not answer.” (Song of Solomon
5:6 HCSB)
Weddings can be wonderful occasions, but a ceremony is not a
marriage. Promises without performance
are worthless words. I can still
remember conducting a wedding for a dear friend’s daughter. It was beautiful, and I’m sure it was an
expensive ceremony. But, after only two
months, the marriage ended. It is after
we say, “I do,” that there is much to be done!
It doesn’t take long before the first fight and we want to take flight. That’s
where commitment to our vows is so important.
Feelings ebb and flow like the tides, but the anchor in love’s harbor is
the covenant you make before God and His church. There are going to be seasons of life when
every marriage must weather storms—but by the grace of God, we can.
In today’s study, we see trouble in paradise. The wedding is past—and the honeymoon is
over! Issues arise when two individuals
take up residence under the same roof. But,
true love can last—and in fact mature and grow as the years go by. Let’s discover how this happens.
THE DIFFICULTIES WE
ENCOUNTER (5:2-9)
The quicker we put aside the fairy tale that a marriage is
all a walk on the beach at night while fireworks light up the sky, and embrace
the reality that it is more often a marathon run with hurdles to overcome, the
better off we’ll be. Difficulties are
potentially disastrous. If ignored, they
are like termites eating away at the home, until great damage is done. If those issues aren’t resolved, they can
eventually destroy the marriage. The
issues often begin as little things—termites—some stuff that “bugs” you. But, you can’t afford not to confront those
issues, for they only get worse with time.
Solomon and his bride had issues! One would think that after the romantic
language they shared, the wedding they had, the honeymoon they enjoyed and the
palace they moved into, that all we would hear are the violins playing a love
song. We would expect to read, “And they
lived happily ever after.” Not
exactly—there is a sour note!
Reading between the lines, maybe the story unfolded like
this. Solomon is taking care of
business. The daily demands of being a
king—all the responsibilities of governing the nation—wore upon him. They were time consuming. Meanwhile, his new bride decides to fix a
lavish meal. She puts great effort into
spreading the table. She has put on that
sexy dress he likes. The most expensive
perfume has been poured between her breasts.
Soft music is playing and the only the lights are turned down low. There is anticipation—and disappointment!
The time goes by, and Solomon is a no-show. The food is cold—and so is she—icy to be
precise. She picks at a few morsels on
her plate—her appetite gone. The music
is stopped and she is alone with her thoughts—her mind filled with resentment. All she wants is a little time. He works hard on the job, why doesn’t he do
more at home? She exchanges that slinky
outfit for some flannel pajamas and trudges off to a lonely bed. The look of love in her eyes is now shuttered
behind her eyelids in slumber. It is a
fitful rest. She dreams of what might
have been, but it is becoming a nightmare.
Solomon finally gets home from work. What a day in the office! But, he has done what men do—and he feels
successful. In fact, everyone tells him
what a great job he does. So, he wants
to celebrate. He’s feeling frisky and can’t wait to jump into the sack with
that hot wife of his. “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my perfect one.
For my head is drenched with dew, my hair with droplets of the night.” (5:2b). What he experiences isn’t a warm
embrace, but the cold shoulder, “I have taken
off my clothing. How can I put it back on? I have washed my feet. How can I get
them dirty?” (5:3). Basically, she says,
“Not tonight—I have a headache!”
To a man that feels like
rejection. Solomon isn’t used to being
rejected. So, he pouts and leaves the
palace, slamming the door as he goes out into the darkness, fuming. All he does is work hard and try to provide
for her. It looks like she could show
him some respect when he gets home. He
certainly gets it from others. In fact,
as he left today, a pretty young thing touched his arm and said, “You are
amazing. We are so privileged to have
you as our king.” Perhaps, he recalls
that’s the way his wife used to look at him—and he could begin to take steps
down the road of imagination to a destination where he ought not go.
This kind of thing happens
all the time. Every married couple has
experienced something akin to it. The
dynamics of the two genders with their differing perspectives on life, two personalities,
different backgrounds, the myriad of pressures of the daily grind with its
constant demands can blend together into a toxic stew. If we aren’t careful, we will go from walking
down an aisle in marriage to walking into a lawyer’s office to file for
divorce.
THE DETERMINATION WE EXPRESS (5:10-6:3)
We speak of Solomon’s wisdom. His wife shows even more, in this case. That is often the case. I know that in our marriage, I will often
want to avoid the issues—to just roll over and go to sleep. I may not leave the house—I never have—but, I
have gotten so close to the edge of the bed, that if I sneezed, I would have
fallen out! Marilyn, however, is
persistent. She wants to solve it. Thankfully, she does—it has been vital in
maintaining our relationship. Thus, in
the Song of Solomon, she goes out looking for him. She knows that this has to be faced. There were obstacles. It wasn’t easy. She got hurt.
But, love can overcome the obstacles.
If love is to last, it must.
Just be aware that if you don’t give your spouse attention,
someone is watching and waiting to do it. Some of her “friends” want to know where that
handsome hunk of hers has gone. “Where has your love gone, most beautiful of women? Which way
has he turned? We will seek him with you.” (6:1) They seem so sympathetic, don’t they? Maybe, their concern was genuine—and perhaps
they were just cougars stalking their prey.
A man will find significance
somewhere. If he is rejected at home, he
will seek fulfillment elsewhere. His mistress
may not be another woman. It may be his
work. “My love has gone down to his garden, to beds of
spice, to feed in the gardens and gather lilies.” (6:2) So importantly, she is determined to find him
and set things right. “I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the
lilies.” (6:3)
When he sees her, Solomon is again
smitten with her beauty. He remembers
very well now what had drawn him to her in the first place. She looks into his eyes and praises him—and
the sparks fly. There is spontaneous
combustion!
Sex is certainly not all there is to
marriage—although many wives would say that it seems that is all their husband
thinks it is. Still, God has designed
that act to be the most intimate sharing of love—two becoming one—and must not
be neglected or the seeds of unfaithfulness may be sown. Paul put it this way,
“But
because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have his own wife, and
each woman should have her own husband. A husband should fulfill his marital
responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have
the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband
does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one
another sexually-except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to
prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of
your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:2-5 HCSB)
Of course, men need to understand
that women are different. It has been said
that men are like microwaves and women like crock pots. A man wants to enjoy sex to feel he is loved
and a woman wants to feel loved to enjoy sex.
Husbands ought to know that romance doesn’t begin in the
bedroom. It begins in helping wash
dishes at the kitchen sink. It begins
with meaningful conversation around the dining room table. Problems in the
bedroom, likewise, have their origins in other rooms in the house.
THE DELIGHT WE
EXPERIENCE (6:4-8:14)
If a fire isn’t tended, the fire
goes out. Solomon and his spouse fuel
the flame of romance. They speak the
language of love. They will get on the
same page of sheet music. They see their
relationship as important enough to make an effort to strengthen and sustain
it.
The royal couple realizes that after
this romantic renewal that if it is to last for the long haul, they must plan
for it. “Come, my love, let's go to the field; let's spend the night
among the henna blossoms. Let's go early to the
vineyards; let's see if the vine has budded, if the blossom has opened, if the
pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our
doors is every delicacy-new as well as old. I have treasured them up for you,
my love.” (7:11-13)
If you don’t have regular romantic
rendezvous, you will find a subtle erosion of love. Life just happens—and love becomes the
casualty of busyness. Morning will mark a return for Solomon to duty, and for
her—maybe in nine months—there will be children to care for.
Spontaneity is wonderful, but with the arrival of children,
romance will need to be planned—date nights and romantic getaways that will
build enduring intimacy. Marilyn and I
have always tried to have some of those.
It binds the heart together. The
kids won’t like it when they are young.
As you take them to a baby-sitter, they will cry, “I want to go with
you!” If you really love them, you will
leave them! What they need most is a
stable home, the security of a Dad and Mom, their example of love to lead them
toward a similar experience when grown. They
will appreciate it later, even if they say, “Ewwww! You got in a hot tub
together at your age!”
A younger generation
needs to know these truths, “Young women of Jerusalem
Lasting love can be ours!
It is God’s desire, if we pursue His design. Meditate on these words,
“Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love's flames are fiery flames-the fiercest of all. Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned.” (8:6-7)
The closest thing to heaven that you will experience on earth is in marriage—or the nearest thing to hell. Love is a choice—which kind of fire do you want? The fire of romance that warms your home or the fire of resentment that burns it down?
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