THE RICHES OF RELATIONSHIPS

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” (Proverbs 17:17 HCSB)

Every Christmas season, for more years than I can remember, my wife and I have sat down and watched, “It’s A Wonderful Life.”  I always cry—during several spots—and still get a thrill when George Bailey’s friends come through and bring him the money he needs to settle his debts and avoid jail.  You may recall the closing scene, where Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart) opens a copy of “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” and reads the inscription, “Dear George: Remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings! Love, Clarence.” 

No man is a failure who has friends—indeed!  Whether we have wealth or not, there are things that are more valuable than gold—and the riches of such a relationship is a primary one.  Solomon had a lot of money, but he knew that material fortunes can fade, but faithful friendships are forever.  So, in Proverbs, the wise king opens up the vault and displays the riches of relationships.  In the four chapters of today’s Bible reading, the word, “friend” is used specifically in three of them, and in every chapter there are principles that apply to our relationships.  It’s just that valuable.

There are three questions which we will seek to answer from these practical proverbs:

1)      What are friendships demands?
2)      What are friendships delights?
3)      What are friendships dangers?

So, we begin with this question: what are THE DEMANDS OF FRIENDSHIP?  The worth of something is determined by the market—what it costs to get it.  Rich relationships are rare because the price that is paid for them is extremely high.

TIME: The Price of Intimacy. “A man with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.” (18:24)  This is a huge investment—one of the most costly.  We only have so many days—and many duties in them.  You cannot do all you want to do, or all others want you to do.  We spend time for what we value.  A rich relationship with a friend requires intimate involvement.  You have to get to know them, and they must get to know you.  The only way that happens is to spend time together.  We must make ourselves available.

TRUST: The Price of Transparency. “What is desirable in a man is his fidelity;
better to be a poor man than a liar.” (19:22)  Many never develop the closeness of friendships because they keep people at arms’ length.  They don’t want to be honest and open about who they really are—their weaknesses and struggles, their frailties and failures.  They wear a mask.  We may not want people to see us as we truly are, so we put up a fence around certain areas of our lives marked with a sign, “No Trespassing.” 

Real relationships are built on trust, however.  A hallmark of faithful friendship is transparency.  We feel safe in being honest with one another.  Is it risky?  Can it hurt you?  As we will see later, that is a danger.  But, there is no way to avoid paying this price if you want the treasure of friendship.

We might ask, are the demands of friendship worth it?   Let’s find out by answering another question: What are THE DELIGHTS OF FRIENDSHIP?  Sure, it costs something to obtain a true friendship, but the payoff is worth the payment.  There are delights to be discovered.

LOVE THAT LASTS, “A friend loves at all times…” (17:17a).  The desire for relationships is hard-wired into our DNA.  It is an essential part of being human.  God decreed, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” (Gen.2:18a)  We want love—to express it to others and to experience it for ourselves.  This kind of friendship is not a “fair-weather” friendship, but a faithful one.  This is a person who loves you unconditionally.  They are there for you in sunshine or storms.  You return the favor.  Your friend knows that they can count on you.  This is something to be prized—worth any price!

LOVE THAT LIFTS, “and a brother is born for a difficult time.” (17:17b)  We are going to struggle and even stumble.  As the load of life weighs us down, how wonderful it is to have a friend to lift us up!  When I was a teen, Bill Withers had a hit song called, “Lean On Me.”  The lyrics struck a responsive chord to millions—and still do.  Here’s the message:

“Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow

But if we are wise
We know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things
You need to borrow

For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem
That you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem
That you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load
You have to bear
That you can't carry

I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me
If you need a friend
(Call me)
Call me
(Call me)
If you need a friend
(Call me)
If you ever need a friend
(Call me)…”

Friends lift each other!

As we consider the real demands, but also the rich delights, we must also know there will be challenges to friendship.  Therefore, we must also ask: What are THE DANGERS TO FRIENDSHIP?  You must guard that which is valuable.  You don’t want to lose it.  Someone will try to steal it.  The Devil is such a thief.  Jesus warned, “A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy.” (John 10:10a)  Satan knows that if he can isolate you, he can more easily defeat you. 

Solomon stated in another of his writings,

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts.  For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up.  Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm?  And if someone overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 HCSB)

So the enemy of our souls tries to divide and conquer.  There are three weapons in his arsenal that the wise king warns us about in these chapters.

GOSSIP, “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.”(17:9)  Words are powerful.  To be a “tale-bearer” is to be a “trust-breaker.”  It destroys relationships—and it is amazing—a word whispered in secret seems to find a way into the public domain.  If the Devil wants to poison a friendship, he may send a gossip to you to slander your friend.  Will you listen to the insinuation?  That divides friendships.

GREED, “One without sense enters an agreement and puts up security for his friend.” (17:18)  When you are generous and give something to someone—no strings attached—motivated by love, you cement a relationship, but when you loan something to someone—with obligation to repay—you change the relationship.  Scripture says, “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is a slave to the lender.” (Prov.22:7)  They are no longer your friend—they have become your slave.  Not only is it dangerous to your finances to co-sign a loan for another, it is destructive to your friendship to do so.  If they can’t pay it back, you have legally obligated yourself to do so, and if they won’t, they will shun you and you will resent them.  The friendship is finished.

Another verse says, “Wealth attracts many friends, but a poor man is separated from his friend.” (19:4)  Friendship is about giving.  If we do not have anything to give that is one thing.  But, if we will not share what we do have, then we say that money is more important to us than friendship. 

“Many seek a ruler's favor, and everyone is a friend of one who gives gifts.  All the brothers of a poor man hate him; how much more do his friends keep their distance from him! He may pursue [them] with words, [but] they are not [there]. (19:6-7)  Solomon isn’t advocating that we ought to seek the favor of the rich and shun the friendship of the poor—he is just stating the reality.  This is the way people do.  The real issue in friendship, however, is not how much we have to give, but how much we share of what we can give.  Remember the widow who gave a small sum in the offering, and yet Jesus said that she gave more than the wealthy who dollar-wise put in a lot.  They gave out of the abundance which they had only a small percentage—not costly at all—while she gave everything!

Are you generous or greedy?  That will have a significant impact on friendship.

GRUDGES, “An offended brother is [harder to reach] than a fortified city, and quarrels are like the bars of a fortress.” (18:19)  We should do all we can not to say or do anything that offends a friend.  Yet, even at our best, there will be times we fail.  It is then that forgiveness and reconciliation are called for—and it is never easy.  The offender may take it too lightly, and fail to realize the time and effort required to breach the barrier that has been built.  It is like an army laying siege to a fortified city.  The one offended may stubbornly man the ramparts, determined not to let their guard down and be hurt again.  The unwillingness to forgive becomes the iron bars that keep a friend away.  In fact, it may be, that not only is that friendship harmed, but the one who is hurt will not risk opening up to anyone again.  They will experience a famine of friendship—their soul impoverished behind the locked gates of grudges. 

Ideally, two friends who have had a falling out should find themselves running to each other rather than away from one another.  Christ put it this way, “So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24 HCSB)  Faithful friends should not become former friends; failing friends need to be forgiving friends.

Clarence got it right, “no man is a failure who has friends.”  If you don’t have one, then be one!  You can always be friendly—and that is the best way to gain friends.  Be a giver, not a taker and people will be drawn to you.  Put a smile on your face, act interested in others, offer a helping hand.  Open your heart.  It is a choice.